A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says
"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"
Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."
The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?
Little Tony shakes his head and says
"No, he minded his own fucking business!"
A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.
But this joke isn't about that.
I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"
A blind man walked into a bar...
...then a table, then a chair.
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
What's Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?
So this bar goes into a guy...
A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"
"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.
The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."
Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar...
...followed by Batman.
My favourite lawyer joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'
A horse walks into a triangular bar of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.
"Y, the long face."
2 Germans in a bar in London:
\- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI!
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.
The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near him when he's had a few drinks. He's a fucking cyclepath"
I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
The Parrot Says ...
A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."