Jokes

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy." Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's Goofy."

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." A great saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

Today, I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor man. The joy I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket was indescribable.

Suicide is wrong, but if you yell "parkour" while jumping off a bridge, it's a failed stunt.

My girlfriend left me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

A snake walks in to a bar...

Barman says "you can't do that"!

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"