Bar jokes

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

An amnesiac walks into a bar...

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

2 Nazis walk into a BAR

They each get 10 shots

An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”

A man walks into a bar with a gun

And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”

The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

An Anteater walks into a bar....

Bartender says "can I get you a drink" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo"

Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"? Anteater replies "I was born with it".

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

One came, one saw, and one conquered.

One day, a cowboy rode into town.

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"

The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"

The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."

The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

A Man and a Giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order shot after shot after shot. Eventually, the giraffe passes out falling off his stool. As the man gets up to leave, the bartender says "hey you can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man responds, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."