Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."
I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.
The government offered to buy back all my guns
I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin’ Terry :(
A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Same time next month (with finger guns)
Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.
I got a free iPad and iPhone today.
It's like... this gun is magic!!!
What do you call a fake gun?
A JK-47
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.