Bird

I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food

I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

A mummy calls a restaurant.

• Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.

•Could you spell it out, please?

•Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

My dental surgery is this Friday!.

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared. So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex. When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused: "So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Using a feather is erotic. Using the entire bird is kinky

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?

Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”

Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?

A dead bird.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

How do birds fuck?

With their peckers.