Saying jokes

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

What did the squid say to the bagpipes?

I would fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”

What did the scarf say to the hat?

I’m just gonna hang around here.. you go on ahead.

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger.

The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.

The pilot gets ready for the flight

"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"

Jew problems

An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

The people that work at my bank are so nice!

Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!

What did the Russian say when she was turned on?

I am soviet

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls...”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. “cop says the reflector is busted... and he didn't like the emergency brake neither”