A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.
They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.
Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
An Amish Woman
Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls...”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. “cop says the reflector is busted... and he didn't like the emergency brake neither”
So a man orders a dozen margaritas.
A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.
The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"
The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."
The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"
The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."
What do lesbian pirates say while having sex?
“Scissor me timbers”
There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".
I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”
The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”
The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”
The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”
A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.
Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The man says, “No”. The cop says, “ You ran a stop sign back there”. The man says, “OK, but I slowed down though”. The cop then asks, “Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir?” The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, “STOP, STOP!” The cops say, “Oh, you want me to slow down?”
Joe was standing in line at the bank...
... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.
The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".
In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.
The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!
A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female ?”
The customer says, “Female.”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White.”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up.”
First Time
**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**
**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**
That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
A little Muslim kid can't find his mother
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."
I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."
At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed...
A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip
The tire says "man I've had a long day." The hubcap replies "I feel you, are you exhausted?" And the tire says "no, that's the guy in the back, I'm just tired."
A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”
The mugger
Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers
Two ducks are having an affair.
hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”