Sex life jokes

A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.

“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”

“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....

“That’s the spirit!”

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

So two people are about to have sex for the first time

and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”