There jokes

Wife

Wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

Nickname

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

KFC

KFC

How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

Van

Van

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

Alcohol

Alcohol

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

Family

Family

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters