Vampires jokes

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

Did you know vampires aren’t real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

*NSFW-ish* Two nuns

Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Same time next month (with finger guns)