A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."
The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."
I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole
But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”
Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got the right hole”
My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter
It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.
Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?
He quit after one shot in the bunker.
Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Officer 2: Hate crime?
Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.
A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.
The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?
I guess someone made a hole in Juan.
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
Honest Guy
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.
A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay
"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"
"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."
These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!
Sorry, I just had to vent.
I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That’s already been established. Now we’re just haggling about the price.
A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"
The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"
The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."
"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"
"The coins of course."
"But which would have the greater value?"
At this moment, the man was enlightened.