Fire jokes

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician?

A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.

I got fired from the juice factory today

I just couldn't concentrate

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

Cant work for my boss anymore

Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.

Friend: What did he say?

Me: " You're fired "

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says

"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns?

They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

My friend got hired at a dildo factory

He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job

Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

If H2O is what’s inside a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9-P

The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke. When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"