Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood
My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door
I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position
Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.
The worst part about working at the unemployment office?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you
really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for
one little weiner?"
Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.
"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital
Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.
Why was the Pepsi employee fired?
He tested positive for coke.
I got fired from my job assembling Tickle me Elmos
I misunderstood what they meant when they said I was supposed to give each one “two test tickles”
I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.
I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.
I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window
"Wanted: Apprentice"
So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.
He said "I had to fire him"
I asked "why?"
He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"
"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"
He said "I fired her as well"
So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'
I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...
I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist
My boss said I rub people the wrong way
Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?
She just didn't give a fuck.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There are some sounds that everyone loves:
- Shoes on gravel
- Crackling of fire
- The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
- Cats purring
The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.
And now he’s the village blacksmith.
A man and a wife are sitting outside...
The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."
Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off
I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"
I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.
