Girlfriends jokes

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

What do you call a musician who's been dumped by his girlfriend?

Homeless!

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

My girlfriend broke up with me.

She said "I'm sorry, but you're just too immature." I looked her dead in the face and said "Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker...

...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common?

They're both easy to piss off

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use Lubricant.