Girlfriend jokes

My girlfriend left me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I wish my girlfriend went down as much...

as the pound did last night.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

My girlfriend got her good looks from her father

He's a plastic surgeon

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

First Time

**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**

**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just swam to the surface.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.

I can't take anything out in time.

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.