Girlfriends jokes

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied. “Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....

What did the gamer say when his girlfriend asked what World of Warcraft and League of Legends were?

"Wow, lol"

‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

I need space.

My girlfriend told me to behave more dominant...

So I marked my belongigs. Now she's pissed.

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: You know, you could do better.

Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?"

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

My new girlfriend dumped me when she found out I was missing a toe

Apparently she's lactose intolerant.

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

I asked my girlfriend to 69

She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”

I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”

“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”

Introducing my girlfriend to my family..

me: so this is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: hi

wife: what the fuck

So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old...

I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"

Me: “Mom, meet my girlfriend.”

Mom: “Are you sure about this? You deserve better!”

Me: “But Mom, I love her so much...”

Mom: “I was talking to her...”

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”