I jokes

Didja hear the joke about the piece of paper ripped in half?

It's tearable.

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ? German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself...

she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.

If H2O is what’s inside a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9-P

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

There, they're, their.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony?

The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.

Who is the most popular woman?

The one who can eat the last doughnut

Movies are too violent

A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent. To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.

Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

A pool table

The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.

It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?

Half Life

Why do Foot fetishists make terrible Olympians?

They love the taste of defeet.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?

for meatier showers.