Me jokes

I hate russian dolls

they are so full of themselves.

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.

I can't take anything out in time.

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

What's batmans favourite fruit?

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.

I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel.

He came around slowly.

What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On a bull, the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday.

Got to say....not a big fan.

Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

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Wanted to update an oldie but goodie to modern times.

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

A group of blondes walk into a bar,

all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.

"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"

I once dated a girl who told me she had had sex with Mr. Peanut.

She was fucking nuts.

Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is

So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

"Can you believe that after all that shit they're still together?"

Who? "My buttcheeks."