Tree

What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

I used to get sad when the leaves fell from the trees...

But then they always grew back, so that was a releaf.

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?"

Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...

... too bad they only produce oxygen.

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree. "Wait," says the tree, "I'm a talking tree."

The lumberjack smiles and says, "And you will dialogue."

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

A little girl comes home with $20

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Easy, just paint his balls red.

Now what’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries

When it's been Halloween for a few months but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

What do depressed people and apples have in common? They both hang from trees.

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope...

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”