Me jokes

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked "shut down" instead of "sleep".

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? Stephen can't walkie, and Stephen can't talkie.

A kid asks his dad, "Dad, what is sex?"...

The dad is shocked. He goes into an internal struggle of whether to scold him or to tell him. Finally he decides to tell him and gives the kid the most eloquent explanation of sex complete with foreplay techniques and sex positions. The kid frowns after he's done and asks "So what do I put on the school admission form?"

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.

"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

RIP to my good friend Brian...

...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

Safe Driving

Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!

Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.

Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!

Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...

One kid in three dumpsters

Two morgue workers are talking...

They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."

"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."

"What? She had a huge clitoris?"

"No, it was really sour."

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it

I've never met a full on jew

They were all just sort of jew-ish

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He said "I fired her as well"