Peace jokes

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

You disturbed the first part of this funeral.

Just let us do the rest in peace.

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

"World peace" I said.

"Something more realistic!" she laughed

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"

She reached for the phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked.

"The United Nations" she replied.

A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."