Doctor

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."

"No, Dave. He said you could have a stroke at any time."

A Man Goes To His Doctor

Doctor: “ Pick a star sign. Any star sign” Man: “Alright, i choose Capricorn” Doctor: “Nah you got Cancer”

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.

Doctor- I am.

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?

His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

Kid's know far too much these days...

This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.

A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics" Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not. After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again. "Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

A woman goes to her Gynecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

A doctor and an archeologist start flirting

After a while of the doctor asks: -“What do you do for a living” -“Im an archeologist” she answers The doctor responds: -“Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people”

5 penises

A man visits his doctor and tells him,

"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!"

To which the doctor replies,

"5 penises! How do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove!"

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

His visit to the eye doctor.

A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”

A man lost his penis in a car accident...

He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"

She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"

Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"

She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"

My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways..... and she hasn’t woken up once.

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

A man walks into the doctor's office and immediately drops his pants....

The doctor sees a small leaf of lettuce hanging from the man's anus. (Rather redundantly) he asks "What seems to be the problem here?" "Oh doc," the man replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"