Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint
when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do". The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"? "No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar
... and order a pint each. A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: “spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad”.
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”
I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.
So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.
"Um, we dont serve beer".
Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"
"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".
"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.
"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".
Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer
You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"