An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.
As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears
Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room
And boy was he mad.
Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad
Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.
A boy asks his dad about his past.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"
The Telegram
"Telegram"
Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!
"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"
Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?
"I really shouldn't"
How about for $5?
"Ugh... I don't think so"
$10?
"Sir..."
$20?! Come on man, I have wanted a singing telegram all my life. You got to.
"I don't feel comfortable..."
You stupid punk. OK... $50. Can you just sing the stupid telegram?!
"Ok, sir... you asked for it"
"Buh-duh bud-duh, buh-buh... your sister Rose is dead..."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!
Wasted
A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.
"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:
-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.
The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:
-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?
-Usually a hamburger and a coke.
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.
Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!" To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”
The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”
A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk
He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"
Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."
The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.
The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."
My roommate is gay
There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.
Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."
Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"
Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."