Blowjobs do not relieve headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?
They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"
Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was
Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?
He quit after one shot in the bunker.
What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a black man?
A refrigerator doesn’t get shot for running
An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
A farmer has three daughters who are all going on dates tonight. The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it. The boy says 'Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo. We are going to see a show. Is she ready to go?' so Flo leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says 'Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?' so Betty leaves with Eddy. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says 'Hello I'm Chuck....'. The farmer promptly shot him.
A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket
Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”
The doctor gave me 4 months to live.
So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Where do horses go when they break their legs?
The HORSEpital hahahaha,
Jk they get shot
A new study found
that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..
And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..