Shots

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Two people walk into a bar.

They see that the bartender is Eminem.

"Two shots please", one of them tells him

"Sorry. You only get one shot"

Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "

First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The man says, "You'd drink this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender, now curious, asks, "What do you have?"

The man pauses, then replies, "75 cents."

Why does Batman just wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin just wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

I was going to post a Michael Brown joke..

..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

Topless carwash

So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’

Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’

The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’

2 Nazis walk into a BAR

They each get 10 shots

A Man and a Giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order shot after shot after shot. Eventually, the giraffe passes out falling off his stool. As the man gets up to leave, the bartender says "hey you can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man responds, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...

Bartender says get your shots here

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Guy walks into a bar

And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other

Bartender says "what's the occasion?"

Guy says " my first blowjob"

Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"

Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was