Undertaker

I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker.

I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband

‘When did you realise your wife was dead?’ ‘Well,’ he replies, ‘the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...’

from Internet.