Wife jokes

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he whispered.

That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.

It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."

(Thanks Dad.)

tattoo of a $100 bil

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”

I told my friend.

He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”

“ why should I ?”

So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.

Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "

He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "

I took the wife to a disco last night.....

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing

They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.

A man just got a car for his wife.

Now, thats what you call a fair trade.

A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.