The pilot gets ready for the flight
"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"
Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....
At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".
Warning to all men about eBay.
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, be sure to
check out the seller carefully.
I just spent £95 + postage,
on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...
He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess." When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Sex could be fatal...
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.
Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
How ungrateful people are
My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!
A Soviet citizen turns on the TV
On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels..."
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.
The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
"I'm all up for sex with handcuffs..."
"...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."
What do we want? Ominous warnings! When do we want 'em?
Soon.
It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.”
One pledge raises his hand and asks, “How much for a season pass?”