Jokes

My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.

I just like the smell.

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.

**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.

**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?

**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.

**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?

What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?

Try Sarah's Tops

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...

So they decided to call it a day

Guy gets pulled over by the cops.

Cop: It seems you have been drinking.

Could you say the alphabet starting with "M".

Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."

Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

I think weekends are made in China

They don't last very long, and they take forever to arrive.

Why should you always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it?

There might be a salad dressing.

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....

It's a Shitzu

My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...

... too bad they only produce oxygen.

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two

I hate russian dolls

they are so full of themselves.

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.

I can't take anything out in time.

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

What's batmans favourite fruit?

Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.