One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...
...has shitty time
Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?
Because it is cheaper.
"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "
She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"
Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;
then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
The guy who invented USB died...
At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.
Only an anti-vaxxer would get this
Polio
Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?
Because Spacey was touching kids
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate, " I think therefore I am."
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
How can you tell a man from a woman
Well, there's not really a vas deferens
If attacked by a gang of clowns...
go for the juggler.
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes." Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"
I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin
It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
Did you read the joke about the waiters that ran into each other?
I couldn't, the servers crashed.
I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.
It's soda pressing.
My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.
I just like the smell.
So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...
**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?
What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?
Try Sarah's Tops