Priest jokes

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

A Priest and a Prostitute

One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.

Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"

The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes." Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

A priest, a child molester, and a rapist walk into a bar...

He sits down and has a drink

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road

They hold up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!" A passing driver yells, "You guys are crazy!" and shakes his head in disbelief as he speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires, and then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge out of order' instead?"

A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...

The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:

-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.

The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:

-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?

-Usually a hamburger and a coke.

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

What is reverse exorcism?

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."

I farted in my church’s confession booth

I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.

They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

A monk, priest, and rabbit walk into a blood bank...

The rabbit turns to the other two and says, “I think I’m a type-O.”