The Talking Clock
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
So when I pee the bed...
I am a jerk, an asshole, and asked “why do you have to get so drunk”.
But when my wife pee’s the bed it’s all “my water broke” and “the baby is coming”
Hypocrite
Superman was flying over a city NSFW
And he sees Wonderwoman laying naked on a rooftop patio in the sun. He swoops down and before she knows it, he rails her and flies off. "What was that?" she cries. The invisible man says "I dunno, but my asshole sure hurts."
I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.
It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!
Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?
Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"
All of them will turn and look.
An Atheist and a Christian walk into a bar...
...they proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they're not pretentious assholes
Opinions are like assholes
I'm going to spread mine all over the internet.