A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.
They both barely cover the asshole. (gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).
A student visits the principal’s office one day...
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On a bull, the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.
A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"
Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole"
A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”
She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”
A Texan got accepted to Harvard
A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'
A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’
Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.
He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.
He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.
When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.
U2 was playing a concert in Ireland...
Bono took a pause after one of his songs, waited for the arena to go silent, and started clapping very slowly.
He then spoke softly "Everytime I clap" *clap* "A child dies in Africa" *clap*
And that's when some drunk guy stood up and shouted "Well then stop clapping you asshole!"
Who is the greatest?
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name
The judge asks him: "What's your name?"
John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge
The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"
"Mark Asshole"
My favourite lawyer joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'
Life is like toilet paper,
you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
"A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket
Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"
-jimmi carr
Oh deer...
One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.
Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...
Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"
Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."
Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"