Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint
when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do". The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"? "No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!
One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.
So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.
Dad called me a cunt
I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs
Warning to all men about eBay.
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, be sure to
check out the seller carefully.
I just spent £95 + postage,
on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
Safe Driving
Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!
Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.
Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!
Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!
Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....
He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.
Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.
Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?
Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...
She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.
COW!
SHEEP!
When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.
"It has horns" She said
But the class was silent
"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"
Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"
A farmer buys a young cock
As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"
Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.
I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.
Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....
What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.
Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.
Poor bastard.
I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and
some bastard broke in and left two more.
You: Bastard
Me: You just did
You: I’m not gonna do that
Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny chick with big blue hair."
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
What do you call a black guy in outer space?
An astronaut you racist bastard.