Children jokes

Unvaccinated kids have been found to have lower IQ's than vaccinated children.

Can't blame them, their parents are dumb as fuck.

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp?

I dunno, I just fly the drones

There are two things that never get old

Dark humour, and unvaccinated children.

A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

Why are transgender people rarely seen with their children?

Because they're transparent.

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger". The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?" "Its dead", the midwife says.

With my wife, we have decided we don't want to have children.

The children don't appreciate this much though.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flashbang into an epileptic children's ward.

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure. One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"

As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.