Compliment

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

A necrophile "You're dead to me."

I don't know if thats a threat or a compliment, either way I know I am fucked.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!" In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.

No idea why she had to slap me though.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."