Daughter jokes

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...

Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"

Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."

Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"

Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter

It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs

Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

A farmer has three daughters who are all going on dates tonight. The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it. The boy says 'Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo. We are going to see a show. Is she ready to go?' so Flo leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says 'Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?' so Betty leaves with Eddy. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says 'Hello I'm Chuck....'. The farmer promptly shot him.

Always Wanted to get Married

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.

So we converted to Islam.

how do you know you are a real redneck?

you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”

“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.