Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
Black man kills conservative politician!
The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.
Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.
Why did the blind fly starve to death??
Because he couldn't see shit
My grandad just passed away...
We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.
So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...
"Staring contest... GO."
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.
Is it possible to be bored to death?
That all depends on the drill.
A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double
The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.
Nobody wants to die alone.
That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.
Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”
Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”
Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”
Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”
A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...
The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?”
Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."