Nobody

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.

Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"

"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

Last night they held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.

Nobody wants to die alone.

That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

What's the difference between your dick and a joke?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.