An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills
0 Assist
7 Deaths
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight unless...
you can handle the reaper cushions.
What happens when a Buddhist cowboy dies?
Reintarnation
A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.
“idk, what do you want?”
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked "shut down" instead of "sleep".
What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?
My cock.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out
As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"
“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”
Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house
(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)
Yoda:- Jump..
(Man falls to his death)
Yoda:- you must not...
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
My grief counselor died recently.
He was so good I really didn’t mind.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber, and I'm not gonna die the same way.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.
Because he died in new.
The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
The guy who invented Velcro died
RIP
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
Black man kills conservative politician!
The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.
Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.
Why did the blind fly starve to death??
Because he couldn't see shit