A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:
"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"
"Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."
“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
An Englishman is sitting on a train when he overhears a loud conversation between two Italians...
First, Emma cum, then I cum... then two asses, they come together, then I cum again. Then the two asses, they come together again, then I cum... pee twice, then I cum again!
“Excuse me” says the Englishman. “In this country it’s very inappropriate to be talking about sex in public like that!”
The Italian guy is confused “what sex? I’m telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi!”
"Excuse me lady but how long has your father been in jail?" NSFW
"He's not in jail. What are you talking about?"
"I'm not sure how he has resisted but if I were your father I would be in jail."
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...
...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.
Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.
They're eating homemade sandwiches. The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"
The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.
Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
At the Dentist
Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled. "Excuse Me,Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."
"I Know" She answered sweetly. "So let us be very careful not to hurt each other ... OK?"