Lawyer

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy." Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's Goofy."

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

Why don't lawsuits last very long?

Because most lawyers have briefcases.

Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"

Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole"

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex

He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

During OJ Simpson's First Trial, He and his lawyer are in the bathroom...

they are both standing at the urinals and the lawyer can't help but notice that OJ has Nicole tattooed onto his dick, he leans over and says "Between you and me, I know you killed your wife, so why did you have her name tattooed onto your dick?"

OJ answers "Just because she is dead, doesn't mean I can't beat her."

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven

They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”

St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”

The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”

The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”

St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”

Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.

They're eating homemade sandwiches. The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"

The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfather’s assets are Frozen.

No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.

“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.

Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age