Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.
“idk, what do you want?”
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.
The Army would post guards around the place.
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.
The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...
But he just left him hanging.
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said,
"Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said,
"Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said,
"And what about the smell???"
The husband replied,
"Just block the fish's nose...."
My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.
She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.
Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
