Hand jokes

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket than."

"What for?" I asked

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

When it comes to dealing with stress, studies suggest masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush

The blind girl

I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on... I said, "You're pulling my leg.."

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing

"I need to dry clean my dress"

The owner cups his hand next to his ear

"come again"

"No it's ketchup this time"

Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.