Two ducks are having an affair.
hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."
And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.
A young naive couple get married NSFW
After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.
‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.
His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.
A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical
‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...
They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
So a photon checks into a hotel...
Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?" Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
No ballroom
Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.
She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"
Happy Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...
"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.
He replied, "Toilette pepper!"
A photon walks into a hotel
The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"
Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"