Room

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.

Kid's know far too much these days...

This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

Boss's daughter!

Employee: Sir, you called me?

Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more.

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."

And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

What kind of rooms do ghosts avoid?

Living rooms

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom

A: Arrest-room

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One.

But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy.

So he left.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse?

The living room.

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.

So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."