Husband jokes

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

Honey, let's get naked!

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"

The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"

Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right

After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you're not."

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table. What was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"

"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"

"They were giving them away."

"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."

"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.

"That's where they had the auction!"

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep

Husband "You want me to put some on TV"

Wife "Sure honey, you can pick"

Husband "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?"

Wife "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf"

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."