Erect your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?”
Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
I'm sorry..
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You shut up!
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
A wife texted her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?
Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns
Husband: Divorce is strong in this one
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what should we do?"
Her husband says "I'm no expert, but i wouldn't fucking spank him".
I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.