An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....
....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied.
“Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....
Nephew asks how babies are made
My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".
Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.
No idea why she had to slap me though.
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!
My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles
I told him they wouldn't make any scents
Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?
I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
